Anyways, what's this about? Well, I know it's 100 days ahead of the liturgical schedule, but I just got the bishops' new translation of the novus ordo readings for this year's feast of the Ascension (Luke 24:46-53), which are based on Latin texts which were not available to St. Jerome, or even the more recent translators of the Neo-Vulgate:
[Jesus] said to them: "Thus it is written that the Messiah must suffer and rise from the dead on the third day. In His name, penance of the remission of sins is to be preached to all the nations, beginning at Jerusalem. You are witnesses to this. See, I send down upon you the promise of my Father. Remain herein the City until you are closed with power from on high."
Then He led them out near Bethany, and with hands upraised, blessed them. And as He blessed, He began to leave, but James, the brother of Jesus, spoke: "O Lord, it is but the the fortieth day since your Resurrection from the dead, and but the fifth day of the week. It would not be fitting to mark such a common day such as this for Your Ascension; rather, you should wait to ascend on the first day of the week, verily, a much holier day than the fifth day.
And Andrew grasped the garment of Jesus as He began to rise to heaven and said "Teacher, please don't leave us until the forty-third day, as truly the Father's chosen People wandered the desert for forty-three years, and the the rain fell upon Noah for forty-three days, and you yourself fasted in the desert for forty-three days before you commenced your ministry."
And Jude said, "O Lord, if you were to leave today my family might not be able supp together. And some disciples might neglect the commemoration of your glorious ascension and instead remain home to watch television. Should you leave on this day many disciples would neglect to commemorate it. If you wait until the first day of next week, the day of your glorious resurrection, it shall be Mother's Day and the disciples might attend Holy Mass to please their mothers. Please remain with us."
And Simon-Peter said, "Teacher, I beseech you to wait until the forty-third day, for John, the apostle whom you love, has scheduled a haircut and has not come with us to witness this."
And the other apostles grasped His robes and pulled Him to the ground and bid Him "Yea, Lord, do not leave us on such an inconvenient day. Truly if thou art the Christ, the Son of God, Thou canst delay Thy departure to a day more suitable for us."
And thus, my friends, we have Ascension Sunday. What a shame Holy Mother Church was so wrong for so many centuries! To celebrate it on a Thursday? Bah!
If you offended by this....well, if you're offended by it....well, write your bishop about it; don't write me.